I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
