what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
