We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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