It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
