i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
