i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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