dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
