The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You made out with two different species that night
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
