I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
my liver is dry heaving
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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