i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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