There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
