You smell like stripper and shame
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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