I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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