I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
