I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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