nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
