having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Princesses don't give blow jobs
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
