He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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