Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
