I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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