the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
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