I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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