During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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