Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize