Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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