hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
