So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
