My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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