New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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