I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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