That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
