party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
