it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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