Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
