I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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