I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
