i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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