you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this just has baby written all over it
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
