bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
