He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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