I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
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