why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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