i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
