Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
