you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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