And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
