i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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