The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
