I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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