while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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