meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
