she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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