how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
