I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
even my farts smell like vagina
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
