You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
