franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Randomize
