Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
