i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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