you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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