Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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