were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
