My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
