just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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