wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
